God created us with a desire, and even a need for relationships. It is part of being human - and for God, it is part of being God. We see from the very beginning that God shared a perfect inter-Trinitarian (Father, Son, Holy Spirit) relationship with Himself: "Then God said, 'Let us make man in our image, after our likeness..." (Genesis 1:26, emphasis mine). God did not need man, nor was he lonely without man, for God had Himself and within Himself was completely satisfied. It was in and because of this relationship that God knew the importance of being relational. It was God himself who said "it is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him" (Genesis 2:18). Therefore, man and woman - you and I - were created with a need to be in relationship with one another. So, it's no surprise that we would ask the question, "How should Christians pursue one another in male-female relationships?"
From the onset, we should recognize that many of us have inaccurate understandings of what male-female relationships should look like. I am tempted to say that these misconceptions are pre-marital, but unfortunately even for those who are married there are many false understandings as well. In dating and marriage, many Christians have taken to cultural definitions that have led to some unfortunate results. Therefore, I think it is important that we should consider several things on the topic of "Christian dating":
There are several biblical principles that apply to the marriage relationship, but that should also be used in any pre-marital, male-female relationship to inform the process. After all, the purpose of pursuing the opposite sex is to find a suitor for marriage.
1. What's the point?
The purpose of dating is to find a spouse. Not to "have fun", or "play the field", or "find your type", but to find a spouse. This is probably the most misunderstood and harmful area that unmarried Christians tread. Culturally, we have an understanding that dating is a casual pursuit in which we move from one prospect to the next based on looks and personality. The world's way of dating, in the words of Mark Driscoll, is "hook up, shack up, and break up." From there, we rinse and repeat with the next person in line. One of the most dramatic shifts in American culture over the last 50 years has been in the area of dating, and it has profoundly affected the Church as well. And while many people are quick to jump from one relationship to the next, there are others who have a fierce commitment to individuality and independence, seeing no need for the messiness of relationships, based primarily on what they have seen in the frequency of divorce, infidelity, and stress. Yet, as Tim Lane and Paul Tripp point out, "what happens in the messiness of relationships is that our hearts are revealed, our weaknesses are exposed, and we start coming to the end of ourselves. Only when this happens do we reach out for the help God alone can provide. Weak and needy people finding their hope in Christ's grace are what mark a mature relationship."[1]
So, are you ready to seriously pursue a relationship for the purpose of marriage? If not, then you are not ready to date. If so, you must first consider what the Bible says about dating and relationships.
2. What does the Bible say about dating?
Honestly, the Bible says nothing about dating! Yet, while this is true, we must understand that the Bible gives clear principles that are important for Christians to follow if they are to be in godly relationships with proper motives and intentions. The first principle is what I have already mentioned: We were created for relationships, and it pleases God that we pursue them. Certainly, there are those who are given the gift of singleness, but it is the exception and not the rule. In his book With One Voice: Singleness, Dating, & Marriage to the Glory of God, Alex Chediak writes: "Do you feel called by God to live celibately for your entire life? Are you content, and don't struggle much (or at all) with the desire for sex? You are blessed, and rare."[2] John Piper encourages those who are single by saying, "God promises those of you who remain single in Christ blessings that are better than the blessings of marriage and children, and he calls you to display, by the Christ-exalting devotion of your singleness, the truths about Christ and his kingdom that shine more clearly through singleness than through marriage and child rearing."[3] The Apostle Paul himself said, "I wish that all were as I myself am" (1 Corinthians 7:7a, referring to his singleness). Nevertheless, the calling of singleness is rare in the Christian life and, I would argue, a calling to full-time Christian vocation. "Each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another" (1 Corinthians 7:7b).
Christians are instructed to only marry (and thus, date) other Christians: "Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord does Christ have with Belial (Satan)? Or what portion does a believer share with a unbeliever?" (2 Corinthians 6:14-15, see also vv. 16-18). As a pastor, I have seen the devastating reality of what happens when two people marry when one is a Christian and the other is not. While there are a limited amount of exceptions, the typical result is that the Christian eventually becomes frustrated with their spouse's unbelief, stays away from the Church, and eventually looses all true desire for spiritual growth and discipline.[4] In addition to the belief/unbelief factor, Christians must also consider whether or not the one they are pursuing (or is pursing them) is equally yoked in spiritual maturity. This not only includes biblical knowledge and service to the Church and her neighbors, but also theological convictions. If you cannot agree on theological issues in addition to the fundamentals of the gospel, it may not be wise to marry. What will your family believe about salvation (election, calling, regeneration, conversion), spiritual gifts (tongues, healing, prophesy), or baptism (infant, believers), to name a few?
Men (husbands) are instructed in Scripture to lead their families (wife and children). "Biblical headship for the husband is the divine calling to take primary responsibility for Christlike, servant-leadership, protection and provision in the home. Biblical submission for the wife is the divine calling to honor and affirm her husband's leadership and help carry it through according to her gifts."[5] Women, if the man that is pursuing you (and yes, the man should pursue the woman, and not the other way around) is passive and shows no evidence of being able to lead, and you know that you are more spiritually mature than he is, the relationship may also be considered "unequally yoked." Just because he is a Christian doesn't mean he is acceptable for you to marry. You want a man who can lead you and your family in godliness. Ask of his character: "Does he control his temper (anger)? Does he control his speech? A lack of control in speech can include the use of crude language or inappropriate humor, speaking harshly in anger, or making commitments and failing to keep them... another area that can be revelatory is a man's approach to his work. Does he show up on time? Does he only work hard when others are watching? Or does he work so hard it's at the expense of church attendance and regular time in the Word? In his private life, does he evidence good priorities by what he chooses to do and what he chooses not to do? Does he demonstrate that he has clear ethical and spiritual convictions?"[6]
Likewise, men, you must consider the attributes of the Christian woman you pursue: Does she show signs of Christian maturity? Is she modest? Is she a good follower, or does she always attempt to subvert authority and prove her rightness? Does she display a desire to grow in Christ and serve the church according to her gifts? Does she have a desire to tend to her home and does she have a high view of motherhood, or is she deeply committed to her success in a career? Does she want children in the future? Why, or why not?
Men, no matter what phase of the dating relationship you are in with the woman you are pursuing, you must remember the instructions of the Apostle Paul in 1 Timothy 5:2 to treat her as a "sister, in all purity." Two good questions to ask yourself in every encounter with her are: "Would I want a man treating my sister the way I am treating her right now? If it turns out that this is not the woman I am going to marry in the future, would I want a man treating my future wife the way I am treating this woman right now?" Paul's exhortation to approach her "in all purity" is a genuine concern not just for the purity of her body, but also the purity of her heart and her soul. To treat her as your sister is to keep from sexual sin and to encourage her in the Lord.
3. Are there different ways to go about male-female relationships?
Yes, I think there are 3 different ways to have God-honoring pre-marital relationships:
As a final exhortation, I encourage you to maximize your singleness for the glory of God. Use the time you have now to serve Christ and His Church to your fullest. Your first priority in life - whether you're single, dating, or married - is Jesus. If you are not first committed to Him, then every other relationship will be a failed pursuit and will be determined by the culture, not the Scriptures. There is much more for me to say regarding these relationships, and I may have caused you to have more questions than answers, but I hope this at least helps you consider any current relationship you are in and if it is being pursued rightly. Above all, honor God, and trust that his design for relationships is the best design for relationships.
----------
[1] Tim Lane, Tripp, Paul D., Relationships: A Mess Worth Making (Glenside: New Growth Press, 2008), 12.
[2] Alex Chediak, With One Voice: Singleness, Dating, & Marriage to the Glory of God (Ross-shire: Christian Focus, 2006), 35.
[3] John Piper, Single in Christ: A Name Better Than Sons and Daughters (Sermon: Minneapolis, April 29, 2007).
[4] This was the demise of Solomon who "loved many foreign women" as can be read in 1 Kings 11:1-8.
[5] John Piper, What's the Difference? Manhood and Womanhood Defined According to the Bible (Wheaton: Crossway, 1990), 66.
[6] Chediak, 98.
From the onset, we should recognize that many of us have inaccurate understandings of what male-female relationships should look like. I am tempted to say that these misconceptions are pre-marital, but unfortunately even for those who are married there are many false understandings as well. In dating and marriage, many Christians have taken to cultural definitions that have led to some unfortunate results. Therefore, I think it is important that we should consider several things on the topic of "Christian dating":
1. What's the point?
2. What does the Bible say about dating?
3. Are there different ways to go about male-female relationships?
There are several biblical principles that apply to the marriage relationship, but that should also be used in any pre-marital, male-female relationship to inform the process. After all, the purpose of pursuing the opposite sex is to find a suitor for marriage.
1. What's the point?
The purpose of dating is to find a spouse. Not to "have fun", or "play the field", or "find your type", but to find a spouse. This is probably the most misunderstood and harmful area that unmarried Christians tread. Culturally, we have an understanding that dating is a casual pursuit in which we move from one prospect to the next based on looks and personality. The world's way of dating, in the words of Mark Driscoll, is "hook up, shack up, and break up." From there, we rinse and repeat with the next person in line. One of the most dramatic shifts in American culture over the last 50 years has been in the area of dating, and it has profoundly affected the Church as well. And while many people are quick to jump from one relationship to the next, there are others who have a fierce commitment to individuality and independence, seeing no need for the messiness of relationships, based primarily on what they have seen in the frequency of divorce, infidelity, and stress. Yet, as Tim Lane and Paul Tripp point out, "what happens in the messiness of relationships is that our hearts are revealed, our weaknesses are exposed, and we start coming to the end of ourselves. Only when this happens do we reach out for the help God alone can provide. Weak and needy people finding their hope in Christ's grace are what mark a mature relationship."[1]
So, are you ready to seriously pursue a relationship for the purpose of marriage? If not, then you are not ready to date. If so, you must first consider what the Bible says about dating and relationships.
2. What does the Bible say about dating?
Honestly, the Bible says nothing about dating! Yet, while this is true, we must understand that the Bible gives clear principles that are important for Christians to follow if they are to be in godly relationships with proper motives and intentions. The first principle is what I have already mentioned: We were created for relationships, and it pleases God that we pursue them. Certainly, there are those who are given the gift of singleness, but it is the exception and not the rule. In his book With One Voice: Singleness, Dating, & Marriage to the Glory of God, Alex Chediak writes: "Do you feel called by God to live celibately for your entire life? Are you content, and don't struggle much (or at all) with the desire for sex? You are blessed, and rare."[2] John Piper encourages those who are single by saying, "God promises those of you who remain single in Christ blessings that are better than the blessings of marriage and children, and he calls you to display, by the Christ-exalting devotion of your singleness, the truths about Christ and his kingdom that shine more clearly through singleness than through marriage and child rearing."[3] The Apostle Paul himself said, "I wish that all were as I myself am" (1 Corinthians 7:7a, referring to his singleness). Nevertheless, the calling of singleness is rare in the Christian life and, I would argue, a calling to full-time Christian vocation. "Each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another" (1 Corinthians 7:7b).
Christians are instructed to only marry (and thus, date) other Christians: "Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord does Christ have with Belial (Satan)? Or what portion does a believer share with a unbeliever?" (2 Corinthians 6:14-15, see also vv. 16-18). As a pastor, I have seen the devastating reality of what happens when two people marry when one is a Christian and the other is not. While there are a limited amount of exceptions, the typical result is that the Christian eventually becomes frustrated with their spouse's unbelief, stays away from the Church, and eventually looses all true desire for spiritual growth and discipline.[4] In addition to the belief/unbelief factor, Christians must also consider whether or not the one they are pursuing (or is pursing them) is equally yoked in spiritual maturity. This not only includes biblical knowledge and service to the Church and her neighbors, but also theological convictions. If you cannot agree on theological issues in addition to the fundamentals of the gospel, it may not be wise to marry. What will your family believe about salvation (election, calling, regeneration, conversion), spiritual gifts (tongues, healing, prophesy), or baptism (infant, believers), to name a few?
Men (husbands) are instructed in Scripture to lead their families (wife and children). "Biblical headship for the husband is the divine calling to take primary responsibility for Christlike, servant-leadership, protection and provision in the home. Biblical submission for the wife is the divine calling to honor and affirm her husband's leadership and help carry it through according to her gifts."[5] Women, if the man that is pursuing you (and yes, the man should pursue the woman, and not the other way around) is passive and shows no evidence of being able to lead, and you know that you are more spiritually mature than he is, the relationship may also be considered "unequally yoked." Just because he is a Christian doesn't mean he is acceptable for you to marry. You want a man who can lead you and your family in godliness. Ask of his character: "Does he control his temper (anger)? Does he control his speech? A lack of control in speech can include the use of crude language or inappropriate humor, speaking harshly in anger, or making commitments and failing to keep them... another area that can be revelatory is a man's approach to his work. Does he show up on time? Does he only work hard when others are watching? Or does he work so hard it's at the expense of church attendance and regular time in the Word? In his private life, does he evidence good priorities by what he chooses to do and what he chooses not to do? Does he demonstrate that he has clear ethical and spiritual convictions?"[6]
Likewise, men, you must consider the attributes of the Christian woman you pursue: Does she show signs of Christian maturity? Is she modest? Is she a good follower, or does she always attempt to subvert authority and prove her rightness? Does she display a desire to grow in Christ and serve the church according to her gifts? Does she have a desire to tend to her home and does she have a high view of motherhood, or is she deeply committed to her success in a career? Does she want children in the future? Why, or why not?
Men, no matter what phase of the dating relationship you are in with the woman you are pursuing, you must remember the instructions of the Apostle Paul in 1 Timothy 5:2 to treat her as a "sister, in all purity." Two good questions to ask yourself in every encounter with her are: "Would I want a man treating my sister the way I am treating her right now? If it turns out that this is not the woman I am going to marry in the future, would I want a man treating my future wife the way I am treating this woman right now?" Paul's exhortation to approach her "in all purity" is a genuine concern not just for the purity of her body, but also the purity of her heart and her soul. To treat her as your sister is to keep from sexual sin and to encourage her in the Lord.
3. Are there different ways to go about male-female relationships?
Yes, I think there are 3 different ways to have God-honoring pre-marital relationships:
1. Arranged Marriage
When you stop laughing that I'm even bringing this up, you must consider that this is exactly what has been practiced for thousands of years in world history. In fact today, in many cultures, arranged marriages continue to be a common practice. Typically what happens in an arranged marriage is that a father works out the details of the relationship with a man that he deems to be an acceptable suitor for his daughter. In most cases the father will take the daughter's wishes into consideration, but the understanding is that a father knows his daughter well, loves her, has her wellbeing in mind, and knows what to look for in a godly man. I don't expect to see this in American Christian homes, but am not opposed to it should a family decide it is best for them - biblically, we cannot make an argument against it.
2. Courtship
"Take wives and have sons and daughters; take wives for your sons, and give your daughters in marriage, that they may bear sons and daughters; multiply there, and do not decrease" (Jeremiah 29:6). In a courtship, a young woman stays close to her family, and a man who is pursuing her gets to know the family while he is getting to know the woman. Mark Driscoll refers to this as "dating dad first." In other words, men, if you want to pursue a girl you must first be approved by her father. This would include spending time at her home in the presence of her family. The man should have a close relationship with the woman's father, and the father should be asking questions about faith, finances, and future plans. Eventually, when the father determines it is appropriate, the two can proceed in their relationship and begin to go on dates in public places (i.e. restaurants, coffee shops, etc.). This method works when a woman is close to home, and when she has godly parents that are firmly rooted in Christ. I especially prefer this method for younger women who have only recently (3-5 years) moved from their home, or still live at home.
3. Christian Dating
For older individuals who live away from their parents, or who do not have believing parents, Christian dating is appropriate, but must be pursued with caution. It is vital to remember, and I will reemphasize, that the purpose of Christian dating is marriage. Christian dating should be pursued in the context of community. In other words, what do your Christian friends say about him/her? Do they respect him/her? Do they affirm that the two of you are a good match (i.e. you're equally yoked)? How does the one I'm pursuing, or the one that's pursuing me, interact with other believers - are they flirtatious, encouraging, hurtful, service-oriented, wise, or cautious? When these things are determined and discussed amongst other godly brothers and sisters in Christ, it is appropriate for a man to ask a woman on a date to a public setting. Going on a date does not mean that you are dating. But, discussions regarding commitment should happen soon if a man and woman are going on dates with regularity. The man and woman should get to know one another, get counsel, and get married (1 Corinthians 7:36). If you continue in a dating relationship for an extended period of time, you will be susceptible to sexual sin, and your heart will be inflamed with passion.
As a final exhortation, I encourage you to maximize your singleness for the glory of God. Use the time you have now to serve Christ and His Church to your fullest. Your first priority in life - whether you're single, dating, or married - is Jesus. If you are not first committed to Him, then every other relationship will be a failed pursuit and will be determined by the culture, not the Scriptures. There is much more for me to say regarding these relationships, and I may have caused you to have more questions than answers, but I hope this at least helps you consider any current relationship you are in and if it is being pursued rightly. Above all, honor God, and trust that his design for relationships is the best design for relationships.
----------
[1] Tim Lane, Tripp, Paul D., Relationships: A Mess Worth Making (Glenside: New Growth Press, 2008), 12.
[2] Alex Chediak, With One Voice: Singleness, Dating, & Marriage to the Glory of God (Ross-shire: Christian Focus, 2006), 35.
[3] John Piper, Single in Christ: A Name Better Than Sons and Daughters (Sermon: Minneapolis, April 29, 2007).
[4] This was the demise of Solomon who "loved many foreign women" as can be read in 1 Kings 11:1-8.
[5] John Piper, What's the Difference? Manhood and Womanhood Defined According to the Bible (Wheaton: Crossway, 1990), 66.
[6] Chediak, 98.
Tuesday November 4, 2008
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